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The Background For Why I Can’t Believe in the Big Bang

How my life relates to whether or not I believe in the Big Bang is as follows: For me, I was somewhat forced to accept a false man-made scenario or narrative for most of 44 years of my life–from age 4 to age 48–which was an unlikely one but I was told that believing it was good and doubting it was bad even though I didn’t actually like how those who were controlling its information were guiding it (not doing so according to nor carefully following its own major statements, for one thing)… but I couldn’t get free from it because it told me that I needed it to be moral and that I was bad (which message my mother apparently liked being communicated to her sons lest she lose control of them and so one or more of them became a criminal or embarrassed her somehow)… and so I found a way to test this belief system over the course of a few decades with regard to myself seeking to become a genuinely authorized minister of it in light of the horrendous religious environment in Evangelicalism during the 1970s and 80s which I had to endure and try to still believe in this somehow as true due to my commitments to it… all of which led to my own family of five breaking up due to a divorce which came in 1995 (separation in 1994). I followed through with my test to see if a real God (one supposedly over the entire universe) of the Bible wanted me to pursue being his minister or sort of spokesperson, do that as correctly as someone would if they gathered how they should attempt that from the major statements made by its book’s New Testament, all while overlooking several things in it that seemed like flaws yet thinking Jesus still somehow rose from the dead anyway and that God’s message was also still somehow communicated though the Bible adequately with regard to what he wanted to be done, the future, etc. I was actually beginnning to turn into an atheist in September of 1996 (after my kid’s second summer visit, when I lived in Wyoming), as I realized after my kids visited me that summer that the family would not be getting back together since they wanted to but their mother quieted that desire by bribing them with new video games after they got home (back in the Kansas City area)… and so my family would never get back together which was what I wanted more than anything else in the world, except I was always told by the Bible that God’s will was more important than what I wanted, which his will always had to be factored into everything while I was seeking to sincerely believe in him and also become one of his approved/genuine ministers, the likes of which I never really found but did have two ministers who were about 25 years older than me who seemed honest, smart, and sincere enough so that I did respect them enough to give the belief system this shot. After all of that, it’s not easy for me to accept that everything that exists came out of a speck less than the size of an atom–another stupid idea from man–just because people so far couldn’t see a way for eternal matter, instead of God, to cause red shift and background radiation, both of which my eternal matter gravity-based system solves. I don’t trust other human beings pushing anything like that, but do like how many things we humans can now do through our scientific learning. It seems to me that a few too many humans either want a bit too much admiration, either by being seen as associated with a perceived deity, or by claiming they know more than they really do.